- PublicEveryone can see this
- |04/27/2011 10:15 pm
- |2 comments
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i have been at this for almost two years now. That is nothing compared to many lifestylers. For me its been a very intense two years. As soon as i became a part of it, i felt as if i was at home. Since then i have never been confused on who i am or what i seek. i was aware of the differeces of how everyone chooses to participate in the bdsm world.Its always been interesting to me to learn how others choose to live.i like to study others on thier beliefs. i try to consume as much information as i can. i spend alot of time thinking and processing all that i have learned so that i can try to have a clearer understanding of their ways.
With the internet it has become very easy to share time with many different minded people. There seems to be a line drawn in the sand between realtime and online.Realtime believing the are the only true lifestylers. Online being sensative to the prejudices of the realtimers.i, myself, have been frustrated with being told that spending most of my time online, i dont have a clue.i have been told i am nothing but a roleplayer who lives in a fantasy land.This statement drove me crazy.i have had many come to me to do just that...roleplay. Roleplay is not something i have any interest in. i prefer reality with power exchange.
i decided it was time to step out of my security of the screen and explore "real time" a bit closer. Now keep in mind that i never wanted to stay on the net. I simply use the net as a screening tool to find the one i seek.The net has been a great filter in this process. i am very stuborn on certain things that i need in a D/s relationship. It becomes painfully obvious in a short time if the person i am spending time with fits those needs.If they have any interest in the power exchange and the bond.
Through my exploring "real time" i have become a bit confused. i have felt like i am on the outside looking in. i feel like i did before i was brought into the lifestyle. It has caused me to question everything i thought i understood. Its brought me a level of discomfort that makes me question my need to be a part of a D/s dynamic.Causing me to question the label i identify with. Am i truly a submissive with a slaves heart or am i just a vanilla girl that needs control and discipline.Is this simply a role i play.That question disturbs me all the way to my core.
When attending a munch in real time i realized i did not fit in or belong there.The people in the room seemed to belong to a private club of people that enjoyed extreme sex with many. It didn't feel like any of them shared the same views as i did. i felt like an outsider because of my needs to be the only one in His life. Seems this gathering is about sex and nothing more. From the outside looking in, sex is the most important thing. Everyone at one point has played with the others. Like a group orgy just not happening on the same night.So this is real time...
There doesn't seem to be a need to get along outside of the dungeon. Not like vanilla couples sharing romance and everyday life experiences. i was taught that the sex was the bottom of the list. That the true D/s or M/s relationship was about the minds. When exploring "real time" i havent come across that being of any importance. The most important qualities that a slave can have is her willingness and eagerness to get on her knees. Now please don't think that i don't have these same qualities but i don't have them after saying hello.i need more....
So at the end of the day, it seems maybe i am completely confused about the lifestyle. In real time, looking in from the outside, its all about sex. One needs to be a kinkster with no real need of a connection other then sexuall. The power exchange i have been seeking or the bond i desire seems to be of little importance to most. Like its a fantasy i have created in my head. The slave in me seems to be a roleplay according to what i have witnessed out there. The true slave or submissive is one that is all about the kink.
Maybe i have blended to much vanilla into D/s. Maybe in order for me to be a "true" slave i need to abandon the wishes of the bond and cross over to the kinkster that lacks the desire to attach. Maybe i have wrapped to much romance around the true meaning. Maybe i have no grasp on what it really means to be a slave.
It is frustrating to me to think that everything i thought i understood is now something i question. i thought there were different levels real time. From what i am seeing and reading about....it seems i am just a foolish girl that has a role in her mind of what it truly means to be a slave.
With the internet it has become very easy to share time with many different minded people. There seems to be a line drawn in the sand between realtime and online.Realtime believing the are the only true lifestylers. Online being sensative to the prejudices of the realtimers.i, myself, have been frustrated with being told that spending most of my time online, i dont have a clue.i have been told i am nothing but a roleplayer who lives in a fantasy land.This statement drove me crazy.i have had many come to me to do just that...roleplay. Roleplay is not something i have any interest in. i prefer reality with power exchange.
i decided it was time to step out of my security of the screen and explore "real time" a bit closer. Now keep in mind that i never wanted to stay on the net. I simply use the net as a screening tool to find the one i seek.The net has been a great filter in this process. i am very stuborn on certain things that i need in a D/s relationship. It becomes painfully obvious in a short time if the person i am spending time with fits those needs.If they have any interest in the power exchange and the bond.
Through my exploring "real time" i have become a bit confused. i have felt like i am on the outside looking in. i feel like i did before i was brought into the lifestyle. It has caused me to question everything i thought i understood. Its brought me a level of discomfort that makes me question my need to be a part of a D/s dynamic.Causing me to question the label i identify with. Am i truly a submissive with a slaves heart or am i just a vanilla girl that needs control and discipline.Is this simply a role i play.That question disturbs me all the way to my core.
When attending a munch in real time i realized i did not fit in or belong there.The people in the room seemed to belong to a private club of people that enjoyed extreme sex with many. It didn't feel like any of them shared the same views as i did. i felt like an outsider because of my needs to be the only one in His life. Seems this gathering is about sex and nothing more. From the outside looking in, sex is the most important thing. Everyone at one point has played with the others. Like a group orgy just not happening on the same night.So this is real time...
There doesn't seem to be a need to get along outside of the dungeon. Not like vanilla couples sharing romance and everyday life experiences. i was taught that the sex was the bottom of the list. That the true D/s or M/s relationship was about the minds. When exploring "real time" i havent come across that being of any importance. The most important qualities that a slave can have is her willingness and eagerness to get on her knees. Now please don't think that i don't have these same qualities but i don't have them after saying hello.i need more....
So at the end of the day, it seems maybe i am completely confused about the lifestyle. In real time, looking in from the outside, its all about sex. One needs to be a kinkster with no real need of a connection other then sexuall. The power exchange i have been seeking or the bond i desire seems to be of little importance to most. Like its a fantasy i have created in my head. The slave in me seems to be a roleplay according to what i have witnessed out there. The true slave or submissive is one that is all about the kink.
Maybe i have blended to much vanilla into D/s. Maybe in order for me to be a "true" slave i need to abandon the wishes of the bond and cross over to the kinkster that lacks the desire to attach. Maybe i have wrapped to much romance around the true meaning. Maybe i have no grasp on what it really means to be a slave.
It is frustrating to me to think that everything i thought i understood is now something i question. i thought there were different levels real time. From what i am seeing and reading about....it seems i am just a foolish girl that has a role in her mind of what it truly means to be a slave.
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