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- |07/09/2010 05:03 am
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Another week done well.i did some things this week that are very strange behavior for me.The first being i "marched" in a parade. It cracks me up thinking i was in a parade..sober mind you...on the 4th of july. i didnt want to do this. being in a parade is not my cup of tea. goes against everything i am. however i was supporting a friend. So i was standing there watching the people involved with the float i was to walk behind. There was a woman that caught my eye. She was an attention whore. The difference between her and i was she had a need for good attention. She was the typical koolaid mom. The mom that has the best birthdays in the park. The one that is always surrounded by mothers just like her but they dont ever quite pull off events like her. I was bothered by watching her play with the baby making all the appropriate noises. She wanted so badly for everyone to noticed the perfect little mother she was. Made me think, she is the same as me but she needs to be seen as a good girl and i have always needed to be seen as a bad girl. wondering if she watched my desperate attempts at attention in a comfortable setting for me...would she have the same reaction i did. i am trying to figure out what attracts me so to this attention. why do i make sure men know that i am sexually aggressive when meeting me. Why do i enjoy the shocked looks on goodie goodies faces when i used to out drink the men or out cuss them. ever since i can remember it was what i strived for, to be the bad girl. the excitement i felt from behaving badly was like a high for me. Now i am stuck between leaving behind the naughtygirl and becoming a good girl.So back to the parade..i did make it through this wholesome event. When i first started walking i was so shy i couldnt stand it. thought to myself what has happened to me. i had my collar on my wrist to help me find the courage i needed. In the end i was very proud of what i had done. No drunken stories to tell on this holiday.i also tackled another fear this week of going to the dentist. to most people this would be a normal event to me its horrible and scary. As i sat in the wating room it crossed my mind again..what has happened to my life. i held on to my collar and faced it.Again i was proud of the things i had accomplished this week.It occurs to me that maybe my way of thinking is changing. i have been trying to rethink things in my mind to help with my cussing. i have tried to remind myself that i am leaving the skanky bar whore behind and becoming the slut i want to be.i have tried to think long and hard about how the girl in the bar that cusses and out drinks the men is gone. the girl that displays herself in a respectful manner but is very naughty in the bedroom is who i am now. i am still struggling with my filthy mouth. however i am no longer struggling with not being the party girl. i have had nothing but freedom and the old me would have been out hunting the bars to find a wild sexual experience. one that was brought on by the wild bar whore. instead i was home in bed every night being the good girl and working on my goals...so very proud of who i am leaving behind.i think once i have worked on my insecurities i will do great. i think that the bad girl was created to hide the insecure fat girl in me. if i wear lots of makeup around my eyes i can keep the focus up there instead of on my stomache. If i wear low cut dresses i can direct the attention to my breasts instead of my thighs.my bad girl was created to hide the fat girl. So if i get rid of the fat girl maybe the bar whore will never pop her head out again.And all that will remain is the "slut" that i have worked so hard to become...the one i am proud of
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