seven stages of grief

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• The seven stages of grief

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  • |08/05/2010 08:23 pm
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  i have finally come full circle in the grieving process. i have had many people die in my life that were very close to me. i have had many relationships end that were extremely hard for me.Nothing and i mean nothing compares to the sorrow i have felt over the last six months.There are stages in grief that we must go through in order to recover and heal. The first stage: Shock and denial. The end was extremely shocking. i was trapped in the denial stage for quite some time. i thought if i were quiet and listened then maybe the nightmare would end and i would wake up and belong to him again. The second stage :Pain and guilt. The pain was almost more then i could handle. For the first time in my life i knew the meaning of the darkness.i was often scared for myself on just how dark it was.And the guilt..oh my god the guilt over knowing that i had done this. Put us both in this place.How does one live with the fact that so much heartache so much pain was brought on by yourself. The third stage:Anger and bargaining.this stage is a very strange one. the rollarcoaster ride of emotions can be hard to understand.i would try to bargain and would end up angry for not being able to change things. The fourth stage:Depression, reflection,loneliness.i cannot describe how much time was spent in this one.i hurt so bad i swear it was physical pain.i felt so alone i couldnt ever imagine that it would change.All the nights we spent together, all the hours and hours.Now nothing.he didnt want to spend anytime with me.i took this time to re evaluate "me".i filled my days and my lonely nights just thinking. Looking in the mirror.It wasnt always easy but what choice did i have. The fifth stage:The upward turn.This stage was a long time coming but i started to slowly live again.being able to make it more then two hours without breaking down.i still cried everyday on the way to work and everyday on the way home but i was starting to have bigger breaks in between. The sixth stage:Reconstruction and working through.i dont know if making the final changes to what i felt was the cause of my loss, counts.i started working very hard to make changes in me so that the next time i would not go through this place of darkness. i worked on becoming stronger and a better person. still having slid back and forth through the stages of denial, anger, and depression. everytime i thought i was becoming healthy again i slid back a bit. The seventh stage:Acceptance and hope.this stage has taken me six months to get to.i have only just recently arrived.i have finally accepted that no matter how much i love him, no matter how much i have changed(and holy hell have i changed)no matter what....i cannot force Him to want me or to own me.i have finally accepted that we view things at different levels of value.His view being that His rules hold the most value...as he should.Mine being that when You search for someone your whole life and you find that someone. the one that just makes everything else fade away.The one that you can hold conversations with even though you have spoken no words.The one that can make your heart skip beats.The one that makes you think of the corniest things but you dont care because you are truly in love.when you have found that "one" i think that there is nothing you shouldnt do to prove your devotion.i think that love is about compromise.That its never too much work to make it work.yes i know that this was a Master/slave relationship and lines should never be crossed.However, when life gets in the way and people make mistakes that is when love should be its strongest.So i have accepted that i have worked very hard and that no matter what that just isnt good enough sometimes.No matter how many promises and how much effort you cannot force your value system on someone else no matter how much it hurts. As far as the hope part goes...i have hope that someday, someday we both find happiness again just like we shared together.i dont fool myself into thinking that i will ever find that intensity again, but i do hold out hope for a loving,long lasting M/s relationship.one that i can learn in and grow in.i have accepted my loss and i cherish the sweet memories of the love we had shared