- PublicEveryone can see this
- |04/17/2011 06:37 pm
- |3 comments
- |64 Pageviews
i am forty one today. Last night i lay in my bed thinking about all that has happned over the last year.The things that have happened and the changes i have made both in my life and my personality.
When i look back how i was just a year ago it seems like i have grown up so much you would think it has been ten years. Did the release change me? Did the work with the slaves while looking in the mirror change me? Did the trying to earn Him back change me? Or the move and still not having heard from Him in six months change me? I am not sure where i started maturing but all of these things have deffinatly contributed to the new me.When i look back at my writing and the thiings i would post at the tsr, i dont even recognize the girl that wrote them. She is long gone.The inocent sub has been replaced with a seasoned slave with more knowledge and one that has learned many lessons.
Through communication with many Doms both good and bad, i have learned alot. i have learned alot about the lifestyle and alot about myself.i would like to think that i am not as trusting as i use to be. That it takes more then a title to make me believe in someone. i would like to believe that i have the ability to sit quietly and watch a person and be able to judge if this is a good additon to my life and to my learning.
i have developed strengths over the last year.Strengths that most people dont have to work at to have but for me was a huge process in developing. Strengths such as courage and determination. i dont think i ever had either of them before. i have proven i have both.When i set my mind to something there is no stopping me. even if it scares the hell out of me, i will find the courage and determination to follow through.
i thought i gathered courage from my collar. i thought when times got tough if i just slipped it on my wrist i could face anything.For along time this was accurate. That collar helped me on the scariest move in my life. i held onto that collar like a lifejacket in a stormy sea.For example last year i went to the dentist and was scared to death. i had my collar and rubbed it when i would panic. Last week i went without it and had an attack and ended up leaving. Then i remembered i didnt have my collar.
The collar has lost its ability to bring me strength. i came home and put it on and felt nothing. i was mistaken at the power of this neclace. It was the hope wrapped around it that gave me courage. The hope that someday he would be in my life again if even in a small way.That hope is dead now just like the relationship is.
Last week screwing around on the computer i discovered he has another. He is in love and happy with the new one. It was a reality check like no other. Like when you open the door and the cold takes your breath away. It was done and the hope was gone. Since then i have accidently come across the hot dog place He drove me to. I have seen the yellow and red roses in someone elses garden. Constant little reminders of what i have lost. and now the collar has lost its ability to calm me down. it has become something of the past. Its just a necklace without any power.It actually wasnt the thing that had power. It was an illusion. I empowered myself and gave credit to the collar, but ultimatley it was me. I was the one with the courage to leave my home,family,job and friends all for a dream that wouldnt be.
So as i look back at the changes i have made,both good and bad, i have come to the conclusion. I have the ability to love deeply to trust blindly and to do anything i set my mind. I just need to channel the courage and the determination to make it happen.i have seriously grown a great deal this past year, and for that i am proud.
i do wish Him and her a very happy life. She is a very lucky girl to have the love of such a Master. Hopefully she is aware of it and doesnt make the same mistakes that i did.
i do look forward to the day i will wear a collar again. The meaning of it will most likely be completely different. As i am always changing. I do hope the next collar i wear will be long term. However i still have a long way to go in preparing for such a collar.
So that is the reflections of this last year. What a year it has been.
No comments:
Post a Comment