Letters to me (5)

Letters(5)

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• |07/17/2010 04:14 am
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This week went well as far as goals i set for myself. i managed to get alot done in my house.i managed to make it through stressful times without any drinking. There are times when alcohol repulses me,but there are times when i think i would really love to get a buzz and forget everything.However, i cannot handle saying i am a failure again so this is keeping my head on straight.i have found yet another character flaw of mine that needs to be worked on. Its my temper.This week i completely lost my temper with my kids. i was yelling like a maniac.Their behavior reflected the stress in the house.Their fighting became so bad i snapped. After i freaked out i went outside to cool off. All i could do was cry. i cried from shame. the shame of knowing how He would feel about this behavior of mine. i know that He would not have approved. It broke my heart thinking of this. i have been working so hard on changing my self destructive behavior. i try to keep myself in line by thinking if He were to see me, would i be proud of how i am acting?i am changing. i am changing alot. However with every behavior i seem to change i find more that needs work. It makes me wonder holy, what kind of person was i, am i? How in the world did i ever attract a Master with all of these character flaws? Now it seems with everything i am working on i have developed this fear...silly one, but a fear just the same. It crosses my mind...without the drinking, without the "bad girl" what am i? Am i just a boring"good girl" now? Scary thought when one is used to drawing so much attention. People use to always want to be around me when having fun. Now what...i dont do anything bad. i laugh at myself thinking what next...go to church really? lol naughty slave goes to church...i do remind myself that these are behaviors that needed to drasticaly change. these behaviors are the cause of the loss of my Master. So with that in mind i pull out my courage to change and set more goals for the next week. Crossing my fingers that i continue to have the courage and strength to change the things i need to change and become the person He would have been proud of...the person that i am proud to be.