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- |06/18/2010 11:21 pm
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a letter to myself...it has come to my attention that my self destructive behavior has become a bore to someone. is that because i am so predictable...always following the same pattern. when it comes to submission i can meet any challenge and perform like a superstar. the harder the better. i put myself in a submissive state of mind and i can accomplish anything. i have proven this many times over. however when it comes to a submissive behavior on a day to day basis such a s 24/7 i fail miserably. is that because it is to calm for this drama queen. i lack the focus to perform such easy tasks like calling or texting when i am suppose to. the simple things escape my mind very easily. does this make me a good sub...no it doesnt. its the every day behavior that labels the sub not the superstar. anyone can perform well for 5 min or even an hour. for 3 months now i have been alone. i have cried on everyones shoulder. poor me, he wont take me back. if he loves me why wont he take me back. when the real question is why should he. if i loved him why would i behave like this.i have been told that i am a very selfish self absorbed person. i was completely shocked by this. me the one that never hurts anyone, just wants to help. but looking at it from the side view, its true. i am a selfish person.i have found that many, not all, but many subs are. it is all about how we feel. for example:He makes me so happy...he makes me do this or that and its so hard for me. i want to please him but it scares me or its to hard for me. subs are always under the false perception that they are sacrificing everything. their freedom. their dignity, their ability to have an opinion. oh he made me get naked. he makes me write every night...he wont allow me to have sex with out permission.after the newness wears off it is always the same with newby subs...he isnt paying enough attention to me so i misbehave...then after some time of this. omg he left me. i cant understand how he could hurt me so bad. its never about the Masters feelings. except in the beginning i am so lucky and i just want to make him proud and happy. the masters are the ones that make the sacrifice. they are the ones that listen to countless hours of the subs every thought and remember all of it. they are the ones that dedicate their time to it to make changes that are needed in the subs life and for what.. an ungrateful sub that says i cant do it or he is to hard on me. i am new why doesnt he go easy on me. as if it is easy to control another ones life and make it better.i have been trying for 3 months to manipulate him into coming back to me. i have written many posts and blogs on how i have learned and how much i have changed. truth is its a load of crap. i am still the drama queen, the needy sub. the one that doesnt handle stress well. the sub that makes excuses and rationalizes all of her behavior,.every month that he has been away i have learned from it. but not enough. i have learned to quiet down just not long enough. i have learned what trust him and have faith in him means but does it matter he is gone. this Master... this man has shown a massive amount of patients with me. he was kind where i thought he was strict. he was loving when i thought he didnt care. he found me and gave me a calm life. i took that and tore it all to shreds. one piece at a time. and i ask why wont he take me back. wow.i had such simple rules...call when done with work...i would call but not until i smoked with co workers. at the time i thought i could manage time didnt understand that i was actually choosing a co worker over him. bed times for kids...when it wasnt to much work i followed this one well except for with the little one. so again it was putting her above him. no rewards with out effort for the kids...i followed this well to until it interfered with my needs even though my needs was stolen time with him, they were my needs. which put me above him.little by little i proved with behavior that everyones needs but his were important to me. its hard to make changes in your life for the good. he was there helping me every step of the way and i shoved him to the back of the line of importance. in alcohol class they teach you that a drunk will surround themselves with other drunks. this way you are never held accountable for your behavior. they tell you its ok...your werent that bad... your were funny as hell.for the first time someone held me accountable ...he didnt think it was ok...he did think i was acting terrible...and he was not laughing at all. i hurt him, i let him down, i am responsible for his pain and loss. this is something that is very hard for me to swallow that not only did i loose the man i love but that i am responsible for all the pain and the misery for both of us.oh the disgraceful things i have done all in the name of but i love him. its been a horrible 3 months. i dont know why this man took pity on me and allowed me to hang on to him even in the little bit he allowed. however i guess just like a parent it gets old.when i am correcting my kids. and i am asking them...why.why cant you just listen and do as your told. my mind wanders to my lessons.i have told my kids you know what you are suppose to do why cant you just do it, again i think of him. and my favorite one that slaps me in the face is when i told them i will not reward you for the behavior you are suppose to portray its when you go over and above with effort. and then i remembered i was at a light when he told me the exact same thing and i thought he was being mean.i have been so focussed on one night of bad behavior thinking that was the reason instead of the reality which is there were 2 months of crappy effortless behavior building up to that night.i have asked and asked everyone what can i do to fix it...he gave me the tools and the ability to live a better life...i was listening. i just couldnt hear. he finally had had his fill of my predictable behavior and told me to stop contacting him. again i cried why wont he take me back..again i have to ask myself why would he. i have been in his silence for almost 3 weeks. which for this drama queen feels like forever...i have had to stop trying to play games...stop manipulating the situation and just think. he is in my thoughts every min of the day. i replay all the things he has said...all the warning he gave... and i can finally hear him. i am a submissive with the ability to make great excuses but lack the ability to behave like a wonderful trained slave. i use to joke there was a reason i am named naughty...i am no longer laughing. i question myself what if anything do i have to offer such a Master and the answer is nothing. i have to make changes in my life. not be a good girl because i am told but actually change who i am and how i live.i ask myself what if he would have taken you back and i have to answer i would probably have lost him again by now. without his structure its hard to change but there is one thing that i do have. i have his love in my heart and the strength to do what ever i set my mind to. and i naughty slave have set my mind to putting out real effort to change and not just blowing smoke but really change. to go back to the basics of his teachings and change my life and that of my childrens..the first thing that comes to mind is alcohol. ever since i was 12 i have been drinking. usually almost all the time i over drink. the choices and behavior i display are that of a teenager instead of a 40 year old woman. i am not the kind to just have one. as with everything else i over do it...shocking. He use to allow me to drink. he would tell me how many and i would listen. when he wasnt there i proved again that i cannot control myself and i drank a couple of bottles instead of a couple of drinks. i look back at this and wonder how he could tolerate my drinking at all. He told me that he has no room in his life for alcohol. i think to myself he had to of worried at least a little about exposing his children to someone with an alcohol problem. why would he subject them to that. i have always thought it was cute to be the party girl...i no longer do. i look at that behavior in a different light. however i am not fixed. i have become stressed and drank since he left me. trying to hide it but no such luck. it hasnt been often but i have done it. right after claiming to have stopped on these very blogs.i have learned that is is hard for me to face stress and heart ache without falling into my typical behavior of getting drunk not to feel the pain. however if alcohol has no place in his life then it has no place in mine or my childrens lives either.i would like to start going back to the gym often. it always starts out the same i have alot of ambition and drive.but then my focus fizzles out and i am back to making excuses again. if they handed out awards for this i would surely be a winner. hmmm i think about my filthy mouth. i remember him telling me how horrible it was. i have heard other women talk like me and it makes me cringe so why on earth i went back to it is beyond me. the lack of class...laziness. what ever the reason it is on my to do list. i will clean up my getto mouth and think about what i am saying.the kids...they were doing so well before i crawled into my hole of self pitty. i look around and think oh my god what have i done. i have completely messed up. i have told the kids we are going back to the rules that were set for them. i have started correcting the little monsters behavior and we are back on the right track. we will correct our behavior on a permanent basis. he is no longer checks on me but he is always with me in my mind and heart. i know what i am suppose to do. he taught me. now i just have to have a strong will to do it everyday even though he isnt watching or involved anymore. i refuse to waiste his time he invested in me. i will be blogging to myself and holding myself acountable f
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