who am i, she thinks as she looks in the mirror at her bruises. Am i really a masochist? Have i always been one? Do i only hunger for the pain so that i feed His desires? Do i actually enjoy the shock and sting when He strikes me? Am i actually sitting here wishing He was hitting me right now?
Remembering back to the first time i heard the term masochist. i thought how absurd that anyone would enjoy feeling pain. i remember thinking that women like that must have something wrong with them. The last thing i would ever want was a man to hit me and if he did , i would never stay around no matter what. i remember how i would tell this to many...
The saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me" would always ignite a fire in me. I still did not believe i was one of them...i was just a bit kinky,or so i thought. But still why would that excite me if i wasn't into pain?
The first slap i ever received across my face should have been the first clue for me. i loved it and i still do....but i still didn't see it. Just thought well i m a bit on the wild side. It is perfectly normal to love your ass slapped hard while in the doggie position, right?
my fantasies of being bound and beat where just that..fantasies...i would never crave pain or smile when being struck..after all i am not a pain slut. i am not that strong.
The first session i had with Him and He whipped me, i was proud i made it through it. i couldn't believe i could...i went home and studied my body,His masterpiece of the scene...the marks brought me right back to the bed where i lay chained and beaten. The thrill would make my skin glow...and yet i still didn't see it.
He surprised me with another session just recently and i can't explain the excitement of seeing the toy bag out. i was actually sitting there in the cuffs awaiting His hit. When He would tease me with slightly running the cane across my thighs i was secretly begging Him in my mind to hit me. The strike of the cane made my body come alive. The first real strike is always the sweetest...i remember when it was over i was thinking please hit me some more even though i most likely couldn't have handled it.
It wasn't until he said you are more of a masochist then you thought, had it even occurred to me i was one. Now as i sit here writing this diary page it makes me smile to think, am i a masochist? The only logical answer is yes...i am His masochist.
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